Survivor's Guilt

When I started exploring information available about endometriosis, I was thrilled to discover such a large community of fellow endometriosis sufferers blogging about their experiences, sharing their daily joys and struggles on Twitter and Facebook, and finding myriad ways to support one another online. 

They've provided me with so much practical, real-life information. They've offered positive words and encouragement on days when I haven't been feeling well or am not sure what steps to do next to manage my symptoms. They've opened themselves up to share the most personal aspects of their lives with me and with others.

For this I feel grateful. I feel overwhelmed. 

Sometimes I even feel lucky. 

And this makes me guilty.

Let me explain.

I am lucky. Although I have a chronic illness with no cure and have already undergone a surgery that resulted in the removal of one of my ovaries, I'm still lucky. 

Even though I battle some form of endometriosis symptoms pretty much every day, I'm still lucky. I have days (more of them recently, now that I'm being careful about my diet and mindful of my symptoms) when I feel pretty darn good. When I can even forget for most of the day that I have endometriosis. 

But when I hop on Twitter and see all the women posting about their pain, about how they can't even go to work or leave the house because it's so bad, I feel guilty. I wonder why I am lucky enough to have so many good days when some of my fellow endometriosis warriors have so few.

I was able to conceive and give birth to a healthy, beautiful son without any trouble whatsoever, despite having one ovary and endometriosis. I didn't expect it to be that easy, but it was. 

And yet so many of my fellow endometriosis sisters struggle for months, years even to conceive. Some never do. And when I read about the sadness and the pain (physical and mental) they go through during infertility, I feel guilty. I wonder why I was so lucky when so many other women are not. 

I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty. Lucky, yes. Guilty, no. It's not as if I can do anything to control what other endometriosis sufferers are feeling. It's not as if my actions directly effect them. 

But still, I can't help it. I guess it's almost like having survivor's guilt in a sense.

So I've been trying to figure out what I should be doing or feeling instead. And I've decided this: It's OK to feel lucky, to feel good. On days when I feel good, I'll let the world know that, too. I shouldn't only communicate what I'm feeling when it's negative. Because even when you have endometriosis, there's a lot of positive. No matter what setbacks you might have in life, there's a lot of positive. 

I see other women post about their goods days regularly on Twitter, and their endo sisters are excited and repost those positive Tweets precisely because they are glad to hear that others are feeling good even if they aren't. So what is there to feel guilty about? Even that little bit of happiness, of feel-good energy, might help someone else.

And then, on those days when I don't feel so great, I'll seek out other women who are happy, who are doing well, who are having good days. I'll get a boost, I'll get motivation to go on, from them. 

That's why we're all vocalizing what we're feeling and doing and thinking anyway, right? To help ourselves and to help others. And that's nothing to feel guilty about.